in order to know it better have advanced me further in perfection than the previous ten years. For two years now, I have been on the cross between heaven and earth That is to say, I am bound by the vow of obedience and must obey the Superior as God Himself. And on the other hand, God makes His will known to me directly, and so my inner torture is so great that no one will either understand or imagine these spiritual sufferings. It seems to me that it would be easier to give up my life than to go again and again through one hour of such pain. I am not even going to write much about this matter, because one cannot describe what it is like to know God‟s will directly and at the same time to be perfectly obedient to the divine will as expressed indirectly through the superiors. Thanks be to God that He has given me a director; otherwise, I would not have advanced one single step.
