Monday, 8 August 2016

122 And more than once I said to the Lord directly, “Jesus, I am afraid of You; could You not be some kind of a ghost?”

Jesus always reassured me, but I still continued to be incredulous. It is a strange thing however: the more I became incredulous, the more Jesus gave me proofs that these things came from Him. 123 + When I saw that my mind was not being set at rest by my superiors, I decided to say nothing [to them] of these purely interior matters. Exteriorly I tried, as a good nun should, to tell everything to my superiors, but as for the needs of my soul, I spoke about these only in the confessional. For many very good reasons, I learned that a woman is not called to discern such mysteries. I laid myself open to much unnecessary suffering. For quite a long time I was regarded as one possessed by the evil spirit, and I was looked upon with pity, and the superior took certain precautionary actions in my respect. It reached my ears that the sisters also regarded me as such. And the sky grew dark around me. I began to shun these divine graces, but it was beyond my power to do so. Suddenly, I would be enveloped in such recollection that, against my will, I was immersed in God, and the Lord kept me completely dependent upon Himself. 124 In the initial moments, my soul is always a little frightened; but later, it is filled with a strange peace and strength. 125 + All these things could still be endured. But when the Lord demanded that I should paint that picture, they began to speak openly about me and to regard me as a hysteric and a fantasist, and the rumors began to grow louder. One of the sisters came to talk to me in private. She began by pitying me and said, “I‟ve heard them say that you are a fantasist, Sister, and that you‟ve been having visions. My poor Sister, defend yourself in this matter.”