351 (147) O my God, how sweet it is to suffer for You, suffer in the most secret recesses of the heart, in the greatest hiddenness, to burn like a sacrifice noticed by no one, pure as crystal, with no consolation or compassion. My spirit burns in active love. I waste no time in dreaming. I take every moment singly as it comes, for this is within my power. The past does not belong to me; the future is not mine; with all my soul I try to make use of the present moment. January 4, 1935. The first chapter 82 of Mother Borgia. 83 352 At the chapter, Mother [Borgia] stressed a life of faith and fidelity in small things. Half way through the chapter, I heard these words: I desire that you would all have more faith at the present time. How great is My joy at the faithfulness of My spouse in the smallest things. Then I looked at the crucifix and saw that Jesus‟ head was turned towards the refectory, and His lips were moving. When I told Mother Superior about it, she answered, “You see, Sister, how Jesus demands that our life be a life of faith.” 353 When Mother left for the chapel and I stayed to set the room in order, I heard these words: Tell all the sisters that I demand that they live in the spirit of faith towards 110 the superiors at this present time. I begged my confessor to release me from this duty. 354 As I was talking to a certain person 84 who was to paint the image but, for certain reasons, was not painting it, I heard this voice in my soul: I want her to be more obedient. I understood that our efforts, no matter how great, are not pleasing to god if they do not bear the seal of obedience; I am speaking about a religious soul. O God, how easy it is to know Your will in the convent! We religious have God‟s will set clearly before our eyes from morning till night, and in moments of uncertainty we have our superiors through whom God speaks. 355 (148) 1934-1935. New Year‟s Eve. I was given permission not to go to sleep, but rather pray in the chapel. One of the sisters had asked me to offer an hour of adoration for her. I said yes, and prayed for her for an hour. During the hour, God gave me to understand how very pleasing this soul was to Him. I offered the second hour of adoration for the conversion of sinners, and I tried especially to offer expiation to God for the insults that were being committed against Him at this present moment. How greatly God is being offended! I offered the third hour for my spiritual director. I fervently prayed for a light for him in a particular matter. Finally, the clock struck twelve, the last hour of the year. I finished it in the name of the Holy Trinity, and I also started the first hour of the New Year in the Name of the Holy Trinity. I asked each of the Three Persons to bless me and, with great confidence, looked toward the New Year which certainly would not be sparing of suffering. 356 O Blessed Host, in whom is contained the testament of God‟s mercy for us, and especially for poor sinners. O Blessed Host, in whom is contained the Body and Blood of the Lord Jesus as proof of infinite mercy for us, and especially for poor sinners. O Blessed Host, in whom is contained life eternal and of infinite mercy, dispensed in abundance to us and especially to poor sinners. O Blessed Host, in whom is contained the mercy of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit toward us, and especially toward poor sinners.
(149) O Blessed Host, in whom is contained the infinite price of mercy which will compensate for all our debts, and especially those of poor sinners. O Blessed Host, in whom is contained the fountain of living water which springs from infinite mercy for us, and especially for poor sinners. O Blessed Host, in whom is contained the fire of purest love which blazes forth from the bosom of the Eternal Father, as from an abyss of infinite mercy for us, and especially for poor sinners. 111 O Blessed Host, in whom is contained the medicine for all our infirmities, flowing from infinite mercy, as from a fount, for us and especially for poor sinners. O Blessed Host, in whom is contained the union between God and us through His infinite mercy for us, and especially for poor sinners. O Blessed Host, in whom are contained all the sentiments of the most sweet Heart of Jesus toward us, and especially poor sinners. O Blessed Host, our only hope in all the sufferings and adversities of life. O Blessed Host, our only hope in the midst of darkness and of storms within and without. O Blessed Host, our only hope in life and at the hour of our death. O Blessed Host, our only hope in the midst of adversities and floods of despair. O Blessed Host, our only hope in the midst of falsehood and treason. O Blessed Host, our only hope in the midst of the darkness and godlessness which inundate the earth. O Blessed Host, our only hope in the longing and pain in which no one will understand us.
(150) O Blessed Host, our only hope in the toil and monotony of everyday life. O Blessed Host, our only hope amid the ruin of our hopes and endeavors. O Blessed Host, our only hope in the midst of the ravages of the enemy and the efforts of hell. O Blessed Host, I trust in You w3hen the burdens are beyond my strength and I find my efforts are fruitless. O Blessed Host, I trust in You when storms toss my heart about and my fearful spirit tends to despair. O Blessed Host, I trust in You when my heart is about to tremble and mortal sweat moistens my brow. O Blessed Host, I trust in You when everything conspires against me and black despair creeps into my soul. O Blessed Host, I trust in You when my eyes will begin to grow dim to all temporal things and, for the first time, my spirit will behold the unknown worlds. 112 O Blessed Host, I trust in You when my tasks will be beyond my strength and adversity will become my daily lot. O Blessed Host I trust in You when the practice of virtue will appear difficult for me and my nature will grow rebellious. O Blessed Host, I trust in You when hostile blows will be aimed against me. O Blessed Host, I trust in You when my toils and efforts will be misjudged by others. O Blessed Host, I trust in You when Your judgments will resound over me; it is then that I will trust in the sea of Your mercy. 357 +Most Holy Trinity, I trust in Your infinite mercy. God is my Father and so I, His child, have every claim to His divine Heart; and the greater the darkness, the more complete our trust should be. 358 I do not understand how it is possible not to trust in Him who can do all things. With Him, everyhing; without Him, nothing. He is Lord. He will not allow those who have placed all their trust in Him to be put to shame. 359 (151) January 10, 1935. +Thursday. In the evening during benediction,85 such thoughts as these began to distress me: Is not perhaps all this that I am saying about God‟s great mercy just a lie or an illusion…..? And I wanted to think about this for a while, when I heard a strong and clear inner voice saying, Everything that you say about My goodness is true; language has no adequate expression to extol My goodness. These words were so filled with power and so clear that I would give my life in declaring they came from god. I can tell this by the profound peace that accompanied them at that time and that still remains with me. This peace gives me such great strength and power that all difficulties, adversities, sufferings, and death itself are as nothing. This light gave me a glimpse of the truth that all my efforts to bring souls to know the mercy of the Lord are very pleasing to God. And from this springs such great joy in my soul that I do not know whether it could be any grater in heaven. Oh, if souls would only be willing to listen, at least a little, to the voice of conscience and the voice – that is, the inspirations – of the Holy Spirit! I say “at least a little,” because once we open ourselves to the influence of the Holy Spirit, He Himself will fulfill what is lacking in us. +New Year 1935 360 Jesus likes to intervene in the smallest details of our life, and He often fulfills secret wishes of mine that I sometimes hide from Him, although I know that from Him nothing can be hidden. There is a custom among us of drawing by lot, on New Year‟s Day, special Patrons for ourselves for the whole year. In the morning during meditation, there arose within me a secret desire that the Eucharistic Jesus be my special Patron for this year also, as in the past. But, hiding this desire from my Beloved, I spoke to Him about everything else but that. When we came to refectory for breakfast, we blessed ourselves and began drawing our patrons. When I approached the holy cards on which the names of 113 the patrons were written, without hesitation I took one, but I didn‟t read the name immediately (152) as I wanted to mortify myself for a few minutes. Suddenly, I heard a voice in my soul: I am your patron. Read. I looked at once at the inscription and read, “Patron for the Year 1935 – the Most Blessed Eucharist.” My heart leapt with joy, and I slipped quietly away from the sisters and went for a short visit before the Blessed Sacrament, where I poured out my heart. But Jesus sweetly admonished me that I should be, at that moment, together with the sisters. I went immediately in obedience to the rule. Holy Trinity, One God, 361 incomprehensible in the greatness of Your mercy for creatures, and especially for poor sinners, You have made known the abyss of Yours mercy, incomprehensible and unfathomable [as it is] to any mind, whether of man or angel. Our nothingness and our misery are drowned in Your greatness. O infinite goodness, who can ever praise You sufficiently? Can there be found a soul that understand You in Your love? O Jesus, there are such souls, but they are few. 362 +One day, during the morning meditation, I heard this voice: I Myself am your Director; I was, I am, and I will be. And since you asked for visible help, I chose and gave you a director even before you had asked, for My work required this. Know that the faults you commit against him wound My Heart. Be especially on your guard against self-willfulness; even the smallest thing should bear the seal of obedience. With a crushed and humbled heart, I begged forgiveness of Jesus for these faults. I also begged pardon of my spiritual director and resolved to do nothing rather than to do many things wrongly. 363 O good Jesus, thank You for the great grace of making known to me what I am of myself: misery and sin, and nothing more. I can do only one thing of myself, and that is to offend You, O my God, because misery can do no more of itself than offend You, O infinite Goodness! 364 (153) +Once I was asked to pray for a certain soul. I decided at once to make a novena to the Merciful Lord to which I added a mortification; namely, that I would wear chains 86 on both legs throughout Holy Mass. I had been doing this already for three days when I went to confession and told my spiritual director that I had undertaken this mortification, presuming permission to do so. I had thought he would not object, but I heard the contrary; that is, that I should do nothing without permission. O my Jesus, so it was willfulness again! But my falls do not discourage me; I know very well that I am misery [itself]. It was because of the condition of my health that I did not receive this permission, and my spiritual director was surprised that I had been allowing myself greater mortifications without his permission. I asked pardon for my self-willfulness, or rather for having presumed permission, and I asked him to change this mortification for another one. 365 My spiritual director replaced it with an interior mortification; namely, throughout Holy Mass I was to meditate on why the Lord Jesus had submitted to being baptized. The meditation was no mortifications for me, for thinking about God is a delight and not 114 mortification; but there was a mortification of the will in that I was not doing [simply] what I like, but what I was told to do, and it is in this that interior mortification consists. When I left the confessional and started to recite my penance, I heard these words: have granted the grace you asked for on behalf of that soul, but not because of the mortification you chose for yourself, but because of the act of complete obedience to My representative did I grant grace to that soul for whom you interceded and begged mercy. Know that when you mortify your own self-will, then Mine reigns within you. 366 O my Jesus, be patient with me. I will be more careful in the future. I will rely, not upon myself, but upon Your grace and Your very great goodness to miserable me. 367 (154) +On one occasion, Jesus gave me to know that when I pray for intentions which people are wont to entrust to me, He is always ready to grant His graces, but souls do not always want to accept them: My Heart overflows with great mercy for souls, and especially for poor sinners. If only they could understand that I am the best of Fathers to them and that it is for them that the Blood and Water flowed from My Heart as from a fount overflowing with mercy. For them I dwell in the tabernacle as King of Mercy. I desire to bestow My graces upon souls, but they do not want to accept them. You, at least, come to Me as often as possible and take these graces they do not want to accept. In this way you will console My Heart. Oh, how indifferent are souls to so much goodness, to so many proofs of love! My Heart drinks only of the ingratitude and forgetfulness of souls living in the world. They have time for everything, but they have no time to come to Me for graces. So I turn to you, you chosen souls, will you also fail to understand the love of My Heart? Here, too, My Heart finds disappointment; I do not find complete surrender to My love. So many reservations, so much distrust, so much caution. To comfort you, let Me tell you that there are souls living in the world who love Me dearly. I dwell in their hearts with delight. But they are few. In convents too, there are souls that fill My Heart with joy. They bear My features; therefore the Heavenly Father looks upon them with special pleasure. They will be a marvel to Angels and men. Their number is very small. They are a defense for the world before the justice of the Heavenly Father and a means of obtaining mercy for the world. The love and sacrifice of these souls sustain the world in existence. The infidelity of a soul especially chosen by Me wounds My Heart most painfully. Such infidelities are swords which pierce My Heart. 368 (155) January 29, 1935. This Tuesday morning during meditation, I had an interior vision of the Holy Father saying Mass. After the Pater Noster, he talked to Jesus about that matter which Jesus had ordered me to tell him. Although I have not spoken to the Holy Father personally, this matter was taken care of by someone else [Father Sopocko 87]; at this moment, however, I knew by interior knowledge that the Holy Father was considering this matter, which will soon come to pass in accordance with the desires of Jesus. 369 Before the eight-day retreat, I went to my spiritual director and asked him for certain mortifications for the time of the retreat. However, I did not receive permission for everything I asked for, but for some things only. I received permission for one hour of 115 meditation on the Passion of the Lord Jesus and for a certain humiliation. But I was a little dissatisfied at not receiving permission for everything I had asked. When we returned home, I dropped into the chapel for a moment, and then I heard this voice in my soul: There is more merit to one hour of meditation on My sorrowful Passion than there is to a whole year of flagellation that draws blood; the contemplation of My painful wounds is of great profit to you, and it brings Me great joy. I am surprised that you still have not completely renounced your self-will, but I rejoice exceedingly that this change will be accomplished during the retreat. 370 That same day, when I was in church waiting for confession, I saw the same rays issuing from the monstrance and spreading throughout the church. This lasted all through the service. After the Benediction, [the rays shone out] to both sides and returned again to the monstrance. Their appearance was bright and transparent like crystal. I asked Jesus that He deign to light the fire of His love in all souls that were cold. Beneath these rays a heart will grow warm even if it were like a block of ice; even if it were hard as a rock, it will crumble into dust. +
(156) J.M.J. Vilnius, February 4, 1935 Eight-day retreat. 371 Jesus, King of Mercy, again the time has come when I am alone with You. Therefore I beg You, by all the love with which Your Heart burns, to destroy completely within me my self-love and, on the other hand, to enkindle in my heart the fire of Your purest love. 372 In the evening, after the conference, I heard these words” I am with you. During this retreat, I will strengthen you in peace and in courage so that your strength will not fail in carrying out My designs. Therefore, you will cancel out your will absolutely in this retreat and, instead, My complete will shall be accomplished in you. Know that it will cost you much, so write these words on a clean sheet of paper: “From today on, my own will does not exist,” and the cross out the page. And on the other side write these words: “From today on, I do the will of God everywhere, always, and in everything.” Be afraid of nothing; love will give you strength and make the realization of this easy. 373 In the fundamental meditation about the goal; that is, of choosing love: the soul must love; it has need of living. The soul must divert the stream of its love, but not into the mud or into a vacuum, but into God. How I rejoice when I reflect on this, for I feel clearly that He Himself is in my heart. Just Jesus alone! I love creatures insofar as they help me to become united with God. I love all people because I see the image of God in them. 116 + 374 (157) J.M.J. Vilnius, February 4, 1935 From today on, my own will does not exist. The moment I knelt down to cross out my own will, as the Lord had bid me to do, I heard this voice in my soul: From today on, do not fear God‟s judgment, for you will not be judged. 117 + (158) J. M. J. Vilnius, February 4, 1935 From today on, I do the Will of God Everywhere, always, and in everything. 88 118(159) J.M.J. Vilnius, February 8, 1935 375 Particular interior practice; that is, the examination of conscience. Self-denial of my own will. I. The denial of my reason. Subjecting it to the reason of those who represent God God to Me here on earth. II The denial of my will. Doing the will of God, which is revealed in the will of those who represent God to me and which is contained in the rule of our order. III The denial of my judgment. Accepting immediately and without reflection, analysis or reasoning all orders given by those who represent God to me. IV. The denial of my tongue. I will not give it the least bit of freedom; but in one case only I will give it complete freedom; that is, in proclaiming the glory of God. Whenever I receive Holy Communion, I will ask Jesus to fortify and cleanse my tongue that I may not injure my neighbor with it. That is why I have the greatest respect for the rule which speaks about silence. 376 My Jesus, I trust that Your grace will help me to carry out these resolutions. Although the above points are contained in the vow of obedience. I want to practice these things in a special way, because this is the essence of the religious life. Merciful Jesus, I beg You fervently to enlighten my mind so that I may come to know You better, You who are the Infinite Being, and that I may get to know myself better, who am nothingness itself. 377 (160) Concerning Holy Confession. We should derive two kinds of profit from Holy Confession: 1. We come to confession to be healed; 2. We come to be educated – like a small child, our soul has constant need of education. O my Jesus, I understand these words to their very depths, and I know from my own experience that, on its own strength, the soul will not go far; it will exert itself greatly and will do nothing for the glory of God; it will err continually, because our mind is darkened and does not know how to discern its own affairs. I shall pay special attention to two things: firstly, I will choose, in making my confession, that which humiliates me most, even if it be a trifle, but something that costs me much, and for that reason I will tell it; secondly, I will practice contrition, not only during confession, but during every self examination, and I will arouse within myself an act of perfect contrition, especially when I am going to bed. One more word: a soul which sincerely 119 wants to advance in perfection must observe strictly the advice given by the spiritual director. There is as much holiness as there is dependence. 378 Once, as I was talking with my spiritual director, I had an interior vision – quicker than lightning – of his soul in great suffering, in such agony that God touches very few souls with such fire. The suffering arises from this work. There will come a time when this work, which God is demanding so very much, will be as though utterly undone. And then God will act with great power, which will give evidence of its authenticity. It will be a new splendor for the Church, although it has been dormant in it from long ago. That God is infinitely merciful, no one can deny. He desires everyone to know this before He comes again as Judge. He wants souls to come to know Him first as King of mercy. When this triumph comes, we shall already have entered the new life in which there is no suffering. But before this, your soul [of the spiritual director] will be surfeited with bitterness at the sight of the destruction of your efforts. However, this will only appear to be so, because what God has once decided upon, He does not change. But although this destruction (161) will be such only in outward appearance, the suffering will be real. When will this happen? I do not know. How long will it last? I do not know. 89 But God has promised a great grace especially to you and to all those … who will proclaim My great mercy. I shall protect them Myself at the hour of death, as My own glory. And even if the sins of souls were as dark as night, when the sinner turns to My mercy, he gives Me the greatest praise and is the glory of My Passion. When a soul extols My goodness, Satan trembles before it and flees to the very bottom of hell. 379 During one of the adorations, Jesus promised me that: With souls that have recourse to My mercy and with those that glorify and proclaim My great mercy to others, I will deal according to My infinite mercy at the hour of their death. My Heart is sorrowful, Jesus said, because even chosen souls do not understand the greatness of My mercy. Their relationship [with Me] is, in certain ways, imbued with mistrust. Oh, how much that wounds My Heart! Remember My Passion, and if you do not believe My words, at least believe My wounds. 380 I make no movement, no gesture after my own liking, because I am bound by grace; I always consider what is more pleasing to Jesus. 381 When meditating once on obedience, I heard these words: In this meditation, the priest 90 is speaking particularly for you. Know that I am borrowing his lips. I tried to listen most attentively to everything and to apply everything to my own heart, as in every meditation. When the priest said that an obedient soul was filled with the power of God….. Yes, when you are obedient I take away your weakness and replace it with My strength. I am very surprised that souls do not want to make that exchange with Me. I said to the Lord, “Jesus, enlighten my heart, or else I, too, will not understand much from these words.” 120 382 (162) I know that I live, not for myself, but for a great number of souls. I know that graces granted me are not for me alone, but for souls. O Jesus, the abyss of Your mercy has been poured into my soul, which is an abyss of misery itself. Thank You, Jesus, for the graces and the pieces of the cross which You give me at each moment of my life. 383 At the beginning of the retreat, I saw, on the ceiling of the chapel, Jesus nailed to the Cross. He was looking at the sisters with great love, but not at all of them. There were three sisters at whom Jesus looked severely, for what reasons I do not know. I only know what a terrible thing it is to meet with such a look, which is the look of a severe Judge. That look was not directed at me, and yet I was paralyzed with terror. I still tremble as I write these words. I did not dare to say so much as a single word to Jesus. My physical strength failed me, and I thought I would not live to the end of the conference. The next day, I saw the same thing again, just as I had seen it the first time, and this time I dared to speak these words: “Jesus, how great is Your mercy!” On the third day, that gaze of great kindness upon all the sisters, except the three, was again repeated. I gathered up my courage, which drew its force from love of neighbor, and I said to the Lord, “You, who are Mercy Itself, as You Yourself told me, I beg You by the power of Your mercy, to look then with kindness at these three sisters as well. And if this is not in accord with Your wisdom, I ask You for an exchange: turn to them the kind look meant for my soul, and let Your severe gaze at their souls be turned on me.” Jesus then said to me these words: My daughter, for the sake of your sincere and generous love, I grant them many graces although they are not asking Me for them. But I am doing so because of the promise I have made to you. And at that moment, He turned a merciful look towards those three sisters as well. My heart leapt with joy to see the goodness of God. 384 (163) When I stayed for adoration from nine to ten o'clock, four other sisters stayed, too. When I approached the altar and began to meditate on the Passion of the Lord Jesus, a terrible pain immediately filled my soul because of the ingratitude of so many souls living in the world; but particularly painful was the ingratitude of souls especially chosen by God. There is no notion or comparison [which can describe it]. At the sight of this blackest ungratefulness I felt as though my heart were torn open; my strength failed me completely, and I fell on my face, not attempting to hide my loud cries. Each time I thought of God‟s great mercy and of the ingratitude of souls, pain stabbed at my heart, and I understood how painfully it wounded the sweetest Heart of Jesus. With a burning heart, I renewed my act of self-oblation on behalf of sinners. 385 With joy and longing, I have pressed my lips to the bitterness of the cup which I receive each day at Holy Mass. It is the share which Jesus has allotted to me for each moment, and I will not relinquish it to anyone. I will comfort the most sweet Eucharistic Heart continuously and will play harmonious melodies on the strings of my heart. Suffering is the most harmonious melody of all. I will assiduously search out that which will make Your Heart rejoice today! 121 The days of my life are not monotonous. When dark clouds cover the sun, like the eagle I will try to brave the billows and make known to others that the sun is not dying out. 386 I feel that God will let me draw aside the veils [of heaven] so that the earth will not doubt His goodness. God is not subject to eclipse or change. He is forever one and the same; nothing can contradict His will. I feel within myself a power greater than human. I feel courage and strength thanks to the grace that dwells in me. I understand souls who are suffering against hope, for I have gone through that fire myself. But God will not give [us anything] beyond our strength. Often have I lived hoping against hope, and have advanced my hope to complete trust in God. Let that which He has ordained from all ages happen to me.
(164) A general principle. 387 It would be a very ugly thing for a religious to seek relief from suffering. 388 See what grace and reflection made out of the greatest criminal. He who is dying has much love: “Remember me when You are in paradise.” Heartfelt repentance immediately transforms the soul. The spiritual life is to be lived earnestly and sincerely. 389 Love must be reciprocal. If Jesus tasted the fullness of bitterness for me, then I, His bride, will accept all bitterness as proof of my love for Him. 390 He who knows how to forgive prepares for himself many graces from God. As often as I look upon the cross, so often will I forgive with all my heart. 391 Through Holy Baptism, we entered into union with other souls. Death tightens the bonds of love. I ought always to be of help to others. If I am a good religious, I will be useful, not only to the Order, but to the whole Country as well. 392 The Lord God grants His graces in two ways: by inspiration and by enlightenment. If we ask God for a grace, He will give it to us; but let us be willing to accept it. And in order to accept it, self-denial is needed. Love does not consist in words or feelings, but in deeds. It is an act of the will; it is a gift; that is to say, a giving. The reason, the will, the heart – these three faculties must be exercised during prayer. I will rise from the dead in Jesus, but first I must live in Him. If I do not separate myself from the Cross, then the Gospel will be revealed in me. Jesus in me makes up for all my deficiencies. His grace operates without ceasing. The Holy Trinity grants me Its life abundantly, by the gift of the Holy Spirit. The Three Divine Persons live in me. When God loves, He loves with all His Being, with all the power of His Being. If God has loved me in this way, how should I respond – I, His spouse? 393 (165) During one conference, Jesus said to me, You are a sweet grape in a chosen cluster; I want others to have a share in the juice that is flowing within you. 122 394 During the renewal of the vows, 91 I saw the Lord Jesus on the Epistle side [of the altar], wearing a white garment with a golden belt and holding a terrible sword in His hand. This lasted until the moment when the sisters began to renew their vows. Then I saw resplendence beyond compare and, in front of this brilliance, a white cloud in the shape of a scale. Then Jesus approached and put the sword on one side of the scale, and it fell heavily towards the ground until it was about to touch it. Just then, the sisters finished renewing their vows. Then I saw Angels who took something from each of the sisters and placed it in a golden vessel somewhat in the shape of a thurible. When they had collected it from all the sisters and placed the vessel on the other side of the scale, it immediately outweighed and raised up the side on which the sword had been laid. At that moment, a flame issued forth from the thurible, and it reached all the way to the brilliance. Then I heard a voice coming from the brilliance: Put the sword back in its place; the sacrifice is greater. Then Jesus gave us His blessing, and all I had seen vanished. The sisters had already begun to receive Holy Communion. When I received Holy Communion, my soul was filled with such great joy that I am unable to describe it. 395 [February] 15, 1935. A visit for a few days to my family home 92 to see my dying mother. When I learned that my mother was seriously ill and near death, and that she had asked that I come home, as she wanted to see me once more before dying, a host of emotions were awakened in my heart. As a child who sincerely loves its mother, I wanted very much to fulfill her wish. But I left this to God and resigned myself completely to His will. Paying no heed to the ache in my heart, I followed God‟s will. On the morning of my name day, February fifteen, (166) Mother Superior gave me a second letter from my family and granted me permission to go to my parents‟ home to fulfill the wish and request of my dying mother. I began at once to make the necessary preparations for the journey and left Vilnius in the evening. I offered the whole night for my seriously ill mother, that God might grant her the grace of losing none of the merits of her suffering. 396 My traveling companions were very kind; several women of the Sodality of Mary were in the same compartment with me. I sensed that one of them was suffering greatly and fighting a difficult battle in her soul. I began to pray in spirit for this soul. At eleven o‟clock these women went to another compartment for a chat, leaving only the two of us behind in the carriage. I could feel that my prayer was causing this soul‟s struggle to become even fiercer. I did not console her, but prayed all the more fervently. Finally, the lady turned to me and asked if she was obliged to fulfill a certain promise which she had made to God. At that moment, I received inner knowledge of the promise and replied, “You are absolutely obliged to keep it, or else you will be miserable for the rest of your life. This thought will pursue you everywhere and give you no peace.” Surprised at my answer, she opened her soul to me. She was a schoolteacher. When she was about to take her examinations, she had promised God that if she did well in her examinations she would devote herself to His service; that is, enter a religious congregation. She passed the examinations very well. “But,” she said, “when I entered into the hustle and bustle of the world, I 123 no longer wanted to enter a convent. However, my conscience has given me no peace, and despite amusements I am always unhappy.” After a lengthy conversation, she was completely changed and told me that she would immediately take steps to enter a convent. She asked me to pray for her, and I felt that God would be generous with His grace. 397 That morning I arrived in Warsaw, and at eight o‟clock that evening I was already at home. What a joy it was for my parents and for the whole family! It is difficult to describe it. (167) My mother‟s health had improved a bit, but the doctor gave no hope of complete recovery. After greeting each other, we knelt down to thank God for the grace of being able to be together once again in this life. 398 When I saw how my father prayed, I was very much ashamed that, after so many years in the convent, I was not able to pray with such sincerity and fervor. And so I never cease thanking God for such parents. 399 Oh, how everything had changed beyond recognition during those ten years! The garden had been so small, and now I could not recognize it. My brothers and sisters had still been children, and now they were all grown up. I was surprised that I did not find them as they had been when we parted. Stanley accompanied me to church every day. I felt that he was very pleasing to God. 400 On the last day, when everyone had left the church, I went before the Blessed Sacrament with him, and together we recited the Te Deum. After a moment of silence, I offered his soul to the Sweetest Heart of Jesus. How easy it was to pray in that little church! I remembered all the graces that I had received there, and which I had not understood at the time and had so often abused. I wondered how I could have been so blind. And as I was thus regretting my blindness, I suddenly saw the Lord Jesus, radiant wish unspeakable beauty, and He said to me with kindness, My chosen one, I will give you even greater graces that you may be the witness of My infinite mercy throughout all eternity.