1451 + I am ending the old year with suffering and beginning the new one with suffering as well. Two days before the new year, I had to go to bed, I was feeling very bad, and a violent cough was weakening me. And together with this, a constant pain in my intestines and nausea had brought me to the point of exhaustion. Although I could not join in community prayer, 224 I united myself spiritually with the whole community. When the sisters got up at eleven o‟clock at night to keep vigil and welcome the New Year, I had been writhing in agony since nightfall, and this lasted until midnight. I was uniting my sufferings to the prayers of the sisters who were keeping vigil in the chapel and atoning to God for the offences of sinners. 1452 When the clock struck twelve, my soul immersed itself more deeply in recollection, and I heard a voice in my soul: (63) Do not fear, My little child, you are not alone. Fight bravely, because My arm is supporting you; fight for the salvation of souls, exhorting them to trust in My mercy, as that is your task in this life and in the life to come. After these words, I received a deeper understanding of divine mercy. Only that soul who wants it will be damned, for God condemns no one. 1453 Today is the Feast of the New Year. I felt so bad in the morning that I barely managed to go to the next cell to receive Holy Communion. 225 I could not go to Mass because I felt so sick, and I made my thanksgiving in bed too. I wanted so much to go to Mass and then to confession to Father Andrasz, but I felt so bad that I could go neither to Mass nor to confession. And because of this my soul suffered a good deal. After breakfast, the Sister Infirmarian [Sister Chrysostom] came along and asked, “Sister, why didnt you go to Mass?” IN answered that I couldn‟t. She shook her head disdainfully and said, “Such a great Feast Day, Sister, and you don‟t even go to Mass!” and she left my cell. I had been in bed for two days, writhing in pain, and she hadn‟t visited me; and when she did come, (64) on the third day, she did not even ask if I were able to get up, but asked irritably why I hadn‟t got up for Mass. When I was alone, I tried to get up, but I was seized again with sickness, and so I stayed in bed with a calm conscience. Yet my heart had plenty to offer the Lord, joining itself spiritually to Him during the second Mass. After the second Mass, Sister Infirmarian returned to me, but this time in her capacity as infirmarian, and with a thermometer. But I had no fever, although I was seriously ill and unable to rise. So there was another sermon to tell me that I should not capitulate to illness. I answered her that I knew that here one was regarded as seriously ill only when one was in one‟s last agony. However, knowing that she was about to give me a lecture, I replied that at the present time I was in no need of being incited to greater zeal. And once again, I remained alone in my cell. My heart was crushed with sorrow, and bitterness flooded my soul, and I repeated these words: “Welcome New Year; welcome, cup of bitterness.” My Jesus, my heart is eager for You, and yet the gravity of my illness prevents me from participating physically (65) in the community prayers, and I am suspected of being lazy. My sufferings are becoming greater. After dinner, Mother Superior [Irene] looked in for a moment, but she left very soon. I intended to ask to have Father Andrasz come to my cell to hear my confession, but I restrained myself from making the request for two reasons: first, not to give occasion for murmuring, as had happened above in respect to Holy Mass; and 321 secondly, because I would not even be able to make the confession, since I felt I would burst into tears like a little child. A while later, one of the sisters came along and again reproved me: “There‟s some milk with butter in the oven, Sister; why don‟t you drink it?” I answered that there was no one to bring it to me. 1454 + When night fell, the physical sufferings increased and were joined by moral sufferings. Night and suffering. The solemn silence of the night made it possible for me to suffer freely. My body was stretched on the wood of the cross. I writhed in terrible pain until eleven o‟clock. I went in spirit to the Tabernacle and uncovered the ciborium, leaning my head on the rim of the cup, and all my tears (66) flowed silently toward the Heart of Him who alone understands what pain and suffering is. And I experienced the sweetness of this suffering, and my soul came to desire this sweet agony, which I would not have exchanged for all the world‟s treasures. The Lord gave me strength of spirit and love towards those through whom these sufferings came. This then was the first day of the year. 1455 Also on this day I felt the prayer of a beautiful soul [probably Father Sopocko or Father Andrasz] who was praying for me and giving me, in spirit, his priestly blessing. I answered in return with my own ardent prayer. 1456 + O most gracious Lord, how merciful it is on Your part to judge each one according to his conscience and his discernment, and not according to people‟s talk. My spirit delights and feeds more and more on Your wisdom, which I am getting to know more and more deeply. And in this, the vastness of Your mercy becomes more and more manifest to me. O my Jesus, the effect of all this knowledge on my soul is that I am being transformed into a flame of love towards You, my God. 1457 (67) + January 2, 1938. As I was preparing for Holy Communion today, Jesus demanded that I should write more; not only about the graces which He grants me, but also about external matters, and this for the consolation of many souls. 1458 + After that night of suffering, when the priest [Father Matzänger226] entered my cell with the lord Jesus, such fervor filled my whole being that I felt that if the priest had tarried a little longer, Jesus himself would have leaped out of his hand and come to me.
1459 After Holy Communion the Lord said to me, If the priest had not brought Me to you, I would have come Myself under the same species. My daughter, your sufferings of this night obtained the grace of mercy for an immense number of souls.
1460 + My daughter, I have something to tell you. I replied, “Speak, Jesus, for I thirst for
Your words.” It displeases Me that, because the sisters were murmuring, you did not ask to have Father Andrasz hear your confession in your cell. Know that, because of this, you gave them even greater cause for murmuring. (68) Very
humbly I begged the Lord‟s forgiveness, O my Master, rebuke me; do not overlook my
faults, and do not let me err.
1461 + O my Jesus, when I am misunderstood and my soul is in anguish, I want to stay a
while alone with You. The words of mortals give me no comfort. Do not send me, O
Lord, such messengers as speak only for themselves and say what their own nature
dictates to them. Such consolers make me very tired.
1462 January 6, 1938. Today, when the chaplain [Father Theodore] brought the Lord Jesus,
a light issued from the Host, its light striking my heart and filling me with a great fire of
love. Jesus was letting me know that I should answer the inspirations of grace with
more faithfulness, and that my vigilance should be more subtle.
1463 + The Lord also gave me to know that many bishops were considering the question of
this Feast, as well as a certain lay person. Some were enthusiastic about this work of
God, while others regarded it with disbelief; but in spite of everything, the result was
great glory for the (69) work of God. Mother Irene and Mother Mary Joseph were giving
some kind of a report to these dignitaries, but they were being questioned, not so much
about the work, as about myself. 227 As regards the work itself, there was no doubt,
since the glory of God was already being proclaimed.
1464 I feel much better today. I was glad I would be able to meditate more during the Holy
Hour. Then I heard a voice: You will not be in good health. Do not put off the
Sacrament of Penance, because this displeases Me. Pay little attention to the murmurs
of those around you. This surprised me, because I am feeling better today, but I gave it
no more thought. When the sister switched off the light, I began the holy Hour. But
after a while something went wrong with my heart. I suffered in silence until eleven
o‟clock, but then I began to feel so bad that I woke up Sister N. [probably Sister
Fabiola], who is my roommate, and she gave me some drops, which brought me a little
relief so that I could lie down. I now understand the Lord‟s warning. I decided to call
any priest at all, the next day, and to open (70) the secrets of my soul to him. But that
was not all, for while I was praying for sinners and offering all my sufferings for them,
the Evil Spirit could not stand that.
1465 Taking the form of an apparition he said, “Do not pray for sinners, but for yourself, for
you will be damned.” Paying no attention to Satan, I continued to pray with redoubled
fervor for sinners. The Evil Spirit howled with fury, “Oh, if I had power over you!” and
disappeared. I saw that my suffering and prayer shackled Satan and snatched many
souls from his clutches.
1466 Jesus, lover of human salvation, draw all souls to the divine life. May the greatness of
Your mercy be praised here on earth and in eternity. O great lover of souls, who in
Your boundless compassion opened the salutary fountains of mercy so that weak souls
may be fortified in this life‟s pilgrimage, Your mercy runs through our life like a golden
thread and maintains in good order the contact of our being with God. For He does not
need anything to make Him happy; so everything is (71 ) solely the work of His mercy.
My senses are transfixed with joy when God grants me a deeper awareness of that
great attribute of His; namely, His unfathomable mercy.
1467 January 7, 1938. First Friday of the month. This morning during Mass, for a brief while,
I saw the suffering Savior. What struck me was that Jesus was so peaceful amidst His
great sufferings. I understood that this was a lesson for me on what my outward
behavior should be in the midst of my various sufferings.
1468 For quite a long while, I felt pain in my hands, feet and side. Then I saw a certain sinner
who, profiting from my sufferings, drew near to the Lord. All this for starving souls that
they may not die of starvation.
1469 + I went to confession to the chaplain [Father Theodore] today. Jesus comforted me
through this priest. O my Mother, Church of God, you are a true Mother who
understands her children……
1470 (72) Oh, how good it is that Jesus will judge us according to our conscience and not
according to people‟s talk and judgments. O inconceivable goodness, I see You full of
goodness in the very act of judgment.
1471 Although I am feeling weak, and my nature is clamoring for rest, I feel the inspiration of
grace telling me to take hold of myself and write, write for the comfort of souls, whom I
love so much and with whom I will share all eternity. And I desire eternal life for them
so ardently that that is why I use all my free moments, no matter how short, for writing in
the way that Jesus wishes of me.
1472 January 8. During Holy Mass, I had a moment of knowledge concerning Father S., that
great glory is being given to God through our mutual efforts. And even though we are
far from each other, we are often together, because we are united by a common goal.
1473 O my Jesus, my only desire, although I wanted to receive You today with greater fervor
than ever, (73) nevertheless, precisely on this day, my soul is drier than ever. My faith
grows in power, and so the fruit of Your coming, Lord, will be abundant. Although many
a time You come without touching my senses and reign only in the loftier part of me, the
senses too sometimes rejoice at Your coming.
1474 I often ask the Lord Jesus for an intellect enlightened by faith. I express this to the Lord
in these words: “Jesus, give me an intellect, a great intellect, for this only, that I may
understand You better; because the better I get to know You, the more ardently will I
love You. Jesus, I ask You for a powerful intellect, that I may understand divine and
lofty matters. Jesus, give me a keen intellect with which I will get to know Your Divine
Essence and Your indwelling, Triune life. Give my intellect these capacities and
aptitudes by means of your special grace. Although I know that there is a capability
through grace which the Church gives me, there is still a treasure of graces which You
give us, O Lord, when we ask You for them. But if my request is not pleasing to You,
then I beg You, do not give me the inclination to pray thus.”
1475 (74) I strive for the greatest perfection possible in order to be useful to the Church.
Greater by far is my bond to the Church. The sanctity or the fall of each individual soul
has an effect upon the whole Church. Observing myself and those who are close to
me, I have come to understand how great an influence I have on other souls, not by any
heroic deeds, as these are striking in themselves, but by small actions like a movement
of the hand, a look, and many other things too numerous to mention, which have an
effect on and reflect in the souls of others, as I myself have noticed.
1476 Oh, how good it is that our rule demands strict silence in the dormitory [common
bedrooms] and does not allow us to stay in them unless it is absolutely necessary. I
have at present a little room in which two of us sleep, but at the time of my sickness
when I had to stay in bed, I found out how bothersome it was if someone was sitting in
the bedroom all the time. Sister N. 228 had some handwork to do and sat in the bedroom
almost all of the time, (75) and another S. 229 would come to instruct her on how to do it.
It‟s difficult to describe how much this tires one, especially when one is ill and has spent
a night in pain. Every word has a repercussion somewhere in the brain, especially
when the eyes are heavy with sleep. O rule, how much love there is in you……
1477 When, during Vespers, the Magnificat was being sung and they came to the words, “He
has shown the strength of His arm,” a profound spirit of recollection enveloped my soul,
and I understood that the Lord would soon accomplish His work in my soul. 230 I am not
surprised now that the Lord did not disclose everything to me at first.
1478 + Why are You sad today, Jesus? Tell me, who is the cause of Your sadness? And
Jesus answered me. Chosen souls who do not have my spirit, who live according to the letter [cf. 2 Cor. 3:6] and have placed the letter above My spirit, above the spirit of love. I have founded My whole law on love, and yet I do not see love, even in religious orders. This is why sadness fills My Heart.